Has anyone ever come up to you on the street and said "you
don't know any good maths jokes, do you?"... no?... well,
it's only a matter of time, and so it might be worth memorising some
of the following classics. I have scoured the web (and dipped into
the archive of Mr Barton originals) to bring you the best collection
of maths jokes around.

And if you have a favourite maths joke of your own, then please drop
me an email here and let me know!

A
classic maths chat-up line to use on a very "special"
girl:
"Hey baby, I don't mean to be obtuse, but you are acute girl"
Works every time*

Teacher: Are you good at maths?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at maths!

Q:
What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Dad,
can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem
please ?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking
for it when I was a boy!

Why did the mathematical tree fall over? Because
it had no real roots.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.

New
York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian
male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher)
was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass,
a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties
to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction.

Teacher: Did your parents help you with these
homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !

Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten !

Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want
you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4 ?
Class: At once!

Q:
How does a mathematician induce good behaviour in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

I
failed every subject except for algebra.
How did you keep from failing that ?
I didn't take algebra !

A
woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your
cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is
something you can probably do for yourself..."

Q:
What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school maths problem!

Q:
What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.

The
mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know,
daddy, what I've found out?"
"No."
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"What?!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every
fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."

What did the constipated mathematician do?
Worked it out with a pencil!

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in
maths decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first
term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s
in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why
are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into
the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed
to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"

There was this statistics student who, when
driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any
junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd
got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably
unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast
over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically
speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction,
so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost
in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got
an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry
our voices far. "So he leans over the basket and yells out,
"Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several
times.) 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been
a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why
do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he
took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3)
his answer was absolutely useless."

*No,
it doesn't.

And here’s some for those of you who are
doing A Level Maths:

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending
time at the beach?
A: Because they can divide sin and cosine to get a tan!

A newlywed husband is discouraged by his wife's
obsession with mathematics. Afraid of being second fiddle to her profession,
he finally confronts her: "Do you love math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more!"
Happy, although sceptical, he challenges her: "Well, then prove
it!"
Pondering a bit, she responds: "Ok... Let epsilon be greater
than zero..."

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see
a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second
one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

Q: Do you already know the latest stats joke?
A: Probably...

"Isn't
statistics wonderful?"
"How so?"
"Well, according to statistics, there are 42 million alligator
eggs laid every year. Of those, only about half get hatched. Of
those that hatch, three fourths of them get eaten by predators in
the first 36 days. And of the rest, only 5 percent get to be a year
old for one reason or another. Isn't statistics wonderful?"
"What's so wonderful about all that?"
"If it weren't for statistics, we'd be up to our asses in alligators!"

"What
happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and
she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."

Psychologists
subject an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to an experiment:
Each of them is locked in a room for a day - hungry, with a can
of food, but without an opener; all they have is pencil and paper.
At the end of the day, the psychologists open the engineer's room
first. Pencil and paper are unused, but the walls of the room are
covered with dents. The engineer is sitting on the floor and eating
from the open can: He threw it against the walls until it cracked
open.
The physicist is next. The paper is covered with formulas, there
is one dent in the wall, and the physicist is eating, too: He calculated
how exactly to throw the can against the wall, so that it would
crack open.
When the psychologists open the mathematician's room, the paper
is also full of formulas, the can is still closed, and the mathematician
has disappeared. But there are strange noises coming from inside
the can...
Someone gets an opener and opens the can. The mathematician crawls
out. "Damn! I got a sign wrong..."

At a press conference held at the White House, president George
W. Bush accused mathematicians and computer scientists in the U.S.
of misusing classroom authority to promote a Democratic agenda.
"Every math or CS department offers an introduction to AlGore-ithms",
the president complained. "But not a single one teaches GeorgeBush-ithms..."

"Sketching rational funtions is a pain
in the asymptote!"

Why can't you differentiate a social scientist? Because they have
no function.

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