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#### Maths Jokes, Puns and Chat-Up Lines

I love maths, and I flipping love jokes and puns, so when you put the two together, I am in heaven. Here you will find a collection of my favourite maths jokes and puns. One for every occasion, even a collection of mathematics chat-up lines for when you meet the girl/boy of your dreams.

If you know of a particular maths joke or pun that would fit in like a glove in this collection, please tweet me (@mrbartonmaths), and I will give you a shout-out next to your contribution.

I've also included links to some mathematically inspired gifts available on Amazon. If you purchase these by clicking on the links, I will be eternally grateful as it will send a few pennies my way.

#### Contents

Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

What did the constipated mathematician do?
Worked it out with a pencil!

New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in maths decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math.
The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so good?"
"You know", the son explains, "when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!"

Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten !

At a press conference held at the White House, president George W. Bush accused mathematicians and computer scientists in the U.S. of misusing classroom authority to promote a Democratic agenda. "Every math or CS department offers an introduction to AlGore-ithms", the president complained. "But not a single one teaches GeorgeBush-ithms..."

Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself !

Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.

"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."

Q: Who invented algebra?
A: A Clever X-pert.

Q: What do you call friends who love math?
A: algebros

Q: How can a fisherman determine how many fish he needs to catch to make a profit?
A: By using a cod-ratic inequality.

Q: How does a ghost solve a quadratic equation?
A: By completing the scare.

Q: What is a smart bird favorite type of math?
A: owl-gebra

Teacher: What is 2n plus 2n?
Student: I don't know. It sounds 4n to me.

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behaviour in her children?
A: `If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at $y={x}^{2}-4x+2$".
A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"
Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

Why did the mathematical tree fall over? Because it had no real roots.

Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

I ordered a takeaway from the local Chinese last night. I ordered a 23, a 13, a 31 and a 79.
I had to take them back. They tasted odd.

Q: What does the zero say to the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Q: Why wont Goldilocks drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
A: It's too cubed.

Surgeon: Nurse! I have so many patients! Who do I work on first?
Nurse: Simple. Use the order of operations.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.

Q: Why don't you do arithmetic in the jungle?
A: Because if you add 4+4 you get ate!

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred.
He completed his task and went bounding over to the Farmer shouting “Farmer Fred, Farmer Fred…. I chased 40 sheep in to the yard for you”.
“40 sheep?” queries Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37”
“I know” says Bob. “I rounded them up”

Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please ?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!

Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they can divide sin and cosine to get a tan!

Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use

Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: A Rectangle (wrecked angle)

Q: Why wasn't the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!!

Q: What do you get when you cross geometry with McDonalds?
A: A plane cheeseburger.

Q: Why did I divide sin by tan?
A: Just cos.

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?

Q: Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
A: Because it was over 90 degrees.

Q: What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
A: Hexagon

Q: Who invented the Round Table?
A: Sir Cumference.

Q: Which triangles are the coldest?
A: Ice-sosceles triangles.

Q: What do you call people who like tractors?
A: Protractors

Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?
A: They were right for each other.

Q: Why couldn't the angle get a loan?
A: His parents wouldn't cosine

Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

Q: Do you already know the latest stats joke?
A: Probably...

The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"
"No."
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"What?!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"

Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

"Sketching rational functions is a pain in the asymptote!"

Why can't you differentiate a social scientist? Because they have no function.

Q: Why are you drumming on your algebra book with two big sticks?
A: Because we are studying log rhythms.

Q: Why do they never serve beer at a maths party?
A: Because you can't drink and derive...

Q: Why was the parent function upset with its child?
A: It was stretched to its limit.

Two random variables were talking in a bar. They thought they were being discrete but I heard their chatter continuously.

A: "What is the integral of 1/cabin?"
B: "log cabin."
A: "Nope, houseboat--you forgot the C."

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." The barman pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, "That's all you're giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?" The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."

My wife and I started off this collection of Maths Movie Title Puns, and we would love to see it grow. As you will see from the selection below, the more tenuous the better. Tweet me @mrbartonmaths if you have any to offer and I will happily give you a shout-out.

Pi Hard

Sumdog Millionaire

Factor the Future

Divide and Prejudice

(Rec)Tangled

The Bourne (Trig) Identity

An Officer and a Tangent-leman

Fatal Subtraction

To Kill a Mocking Surd

Apo-cos-lypse Now

Along Came Poly-gon

Credit to my good friend, Chris Holden, for the following:

Mean Girls

Sin-set Boulevard

Sum Like it Hot

Credit to @rebel_in_black on Twitter for the following:

Deriving Miss Daisy

X (axis) Men

My wife and I started off this collection of Maths Song Title Puns, and we would love to see it grow. As you will see from the selection below, the more tenuous the better. Tweet me @mrbartonmaths if you have any to offer and I will happily give you a shout-out.

I Surd it Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye

Total Ellipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler

A Kite for Sore Eyes - M People

Bat Out of Parallel - Meat Loaf

Only Skew - Yazzo

Beautiful Outlier - Beyonce and Shakira

Arc The Herald Angles Sing - Traditional

Is it Cos I'm Cool? - Mousse T

Opposites Pro-Tract(or) - Paul Abdul

(Rec)Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan

Sec(C) Back - Justin Timerlake

You can call me α – Paul Simon

β It - Michael Jackson

I'll stand by µ – The Prentenders

Credit to @MrEdwardsNCS on Twitter for:
ArseNul Hypothesis

I am not sure how much mileage there is in this list of Maths Football Team Puns, but I am willing to try. Again, the more tenuous the better. Tweet me @mrbartonmaths if you have any to offer and I will happily give you a shout-out.

Real Ma-trig

Sumderland

Integer Milan

I actually used the first of these on my wife when we first met. And we are still together. Just. It takes a special type of someone to respond positively to these classics. Thanks to the wonderful work of jokes4us.com for providing some of these.

I don't mean to be obtuse, but you are a-cute girl

Why don't you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both of us reduce to simplest form?

"Hi, I hear you're good at algebra.....Will you replace my eX without asking Y?"

I don’t like my current girlfriend. Mind if I do a you-substitution?

Do you like maths?
No.
Me neither...In fact, the only number I care about is yours.

My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,.... she's imaginary.

"You must be the square root of -1 because you can't be real."

The derivative of my love for you is 0, because my love for you is constant.

You are one well-defined function.

Is that an asymptote in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves

Our love is like dividing by zero.... you cannot define it

My love for you is like a concave function's positive first derivative, because it's always increasing.

In Euclidean geometry two parallel lines never touch ... let's go back to my place and study some non-Euclidean geometry.

Are you the square root of 2? because I feel irrational when I'm around you

Baby you must be a modulus sign, 'cos whenever you wrap your arms round me i always feel positive!