Maths Jokes

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7, 8, 9.

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?

He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

I ordered a takeaway from the local Chinese last night: a 23, a 13, a 31 and a 79.

I had to take them back. They tasted odd.

Why won’t Goldilocks drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?

It’s too cubed.

Surgeon: Nurse! I have so many patients! Who do I work on first?

Nurse: Simple. Use the order of operations.

Why don’t you do arithmetic in the jungle?

Because if you add 4 + 4 you get ate!

Bob the sheepdog was getting the sheep in for Farmer Fred. He went bounding over: “Farmer Fred, I chased 40 sheep into the yard for you!”
“40 sheep?” says Farmer Fred. “I’ve only got 37.”

“I know,” says Bob. “I rounded them up.”

Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem, please?

Don’t tell me they still haven’t found it? I remember looking for it when I was a boy!

What does the Little Mermaid wear?

An algae-bra.

Who invented algebra?

A clever X-pert.

What do you call friends who love maths?

Algebros.

What is a clever bird’s favourite type of maths?

Owl-gebra.

Teacher: What is 2n plus 2n?

Student: I don’t know. It sounds 4n to me.

How can a fisherman work out how many fish he needs to catch to make a profit?

By using a cod-ratic inequality.

How does a ghost solve a quadratic equation?

By completing the scare.

Why did the mathematical tree fall over?

Because it had no real roots.

How does a mathematician get her children to behave?

“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n + 1 times…”

Jesus was delivering a sermon: “The path to the Lord lies at y = x² − 4x + 2.”
A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers, “What’s he banging on about?”

Peter replies, “Don’t worry, it’s just one of his parabolas.”

“What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute maths student?”
“She’s not my girlfriend any more. I caught her cheating on me.”
“I don’t believe she cheated on you!”

“Well, a couple of nights ago I phoned her, and she told me she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns…”

Who invented the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

What did the triangle say to the circle?

You’re pointless!

What do you call a crushed angle?

A rectangle (wrecked angle).

Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?

Because she sprained her angle!

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

Because it was over 90 degrees.

Which triangles are the coldest?

Ice-sosceles triangles.

What do you call people who like tractors?

Protractors.

What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?

Hexagon!

What do you get when you cross geometry with McDonald’s?

A plane cheeseburger.

Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?

They were right for each other.

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?

A high-pot-in-use.

Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

Because they can divide sin by cos to get a tan!

Why did I divide sin by tan?

Just cos.

Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?

His parents wouldn’t cosine.

Have you heard the latest statistics joke?

Probably…

Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots and misses it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.

The third one shouts: “We’ve hit it!”

A statistics student always sped up before every junction, whizzed straight over it, then slowed down again. His passenger asked him why.

“Statistically, you’re far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I make sure I spend less time there.”

A mother of three is expecting her fourth child. The eldest daughter says, “Daddy, guess what? The new baby will be Chinese!”
“What?!”

“I read in the paper that one in every four children born nowadays is Chinese…”

Sketching rational functions is…

…a pain in the asymptote!

Why are you drumming on your maths book with two big sticks?

Because we’re studying log rhythms.

Why was the parent function upset with its child?

It was stretched to its limit.

Why can’t you differentiate a social scientist?

Because they have no function.

“What’s the integral of 1/cabin?”
“Log cabin.”

“Nope, houseboat. You forgot the + C.”

Two random variables were talking in a bar.

They thought they were being discrete, but I heard their chatter continuously.

Why do they never serve beer at a maths party?

Because you can’t drink and derive.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The barman pours two beers. “Is that all? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?”

The barman says: “Come on, guys. Know your limits.”

Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework questions?

Pupil: No, I got them all wrong by myself!

Pupil: I can’t solve this problem.
Teacher: Any five-year-old should be able to solve this one.

Pupil: No wonder I can’t do it then. I’m nearly ten!

What did the constipated mathematician do?

Worked it out with a pencil!

New York (CNN). At JFK Airport today, a man later discovered to be a high school maths teacher was arrested trying to board a flight with a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. Officials believe he has ties to the Al-Gebra network.

He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A father worried about his son’s maths grades sends him to a Catholic school. After one term, the boy is getting straight As. “Why are your maths grades suddenly so good?” asks his dad. “Well, when I walked into the classroom on the first day and saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign…

…I knew one thing: this place means business!”

At a press conference, President George W. Bush accused maths and computer science departments of pushing a Democratic agenda. “Every one of them offers an introduction to AlGore-ithms,” he complained.

“But not a single one teaches Bush-isms…”